Jessica (amethystrse) wrote in dsafgrrl,

I feel healed

My grandmother is dying of cancer. My father's mother. She's in a coma and will die at any moment. I went to my aunt's house to see her and say my good byes. I knew my father was going to show up later. So I went around noon. Then, when it was getting close to the time my father would be there, I decided to stay.

My father sexually abused me, starting from when I was a toddler. I have disassoiative identity disorder from it. I discovered in August of 05 what he did through severe flashbacks. I had no idea what would happen when I saw him. I haven't seen him since '02

My cousin and I went to run an errand. When we got there he and my half siblings had arrived.

He didn't come over to me or try to touch me. He seemed nervous (I told the family...except my siblings because they're teens...what he had done years ago). We said things like "hi, how are you?" and gave nervous smiles. We were very cordial towards one another.

He looked AWEFUL. He had just lost his wife 5 months ago to cancer and now he was going to watch his mother go. His older sister also died a few years ago from cancer and my grandfather died 8 years ago. All this loss has taken a huge toll on him. He looked warn and haggard.

I sat there looking at him. I was amazed. I felt nothing. I wasn't afraid, I wasn't angry, I didn't hate him. I don't love him but I also don't hate him. I felt pity.

I left a few hours ago. I feel nothing. I'm not numb. I still feel about other things. I just feel nothing about him. Just pity. And it hit me. I no longer feel pain from what he did to me. I'm not sad or angry or any other negative emotion. I feel, instead, at peace.

I feel that perhaps now I will be permanently integrated. I feel that I probably won't get the flashbacks anymore. My anxiety is lifted. I feel so healed. Whole.

I am free.

I'm x-posting this. I want to shout it loud how I feel now. I'm sorry if you get this all at once.
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