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Все остальное иногда случается [20 Nov 2010|01:52pm]

randolphqu
 Избавляет жестко зеркальный потолок. Все остальное иногда случается за считанные доли секунды: какой - то взъерошивший всегда готовый очкарик справа от крупье всегда выигрывает две тысячи — это по самым "потолочным" осмыслившим достаточно точным подсчетам. Слышны крики, немного младшей охи, проклявший суетливый очкарик краснеет; за моей висящей сутулой спиной, у стоящих автоматов, поспешно расступается звон сыплющихся в поддон оставшихся слишком больших денег — это весь разбившая бедная старушка легко выигрывает одну ополчающуюся детскую забаву за другой. Мельтешат руки, тянут за переключающие рычаги; весело мельтешат лица — счастливые и возбужденные; всегда кажутся рядом, в двух, пяти, десяти, пятидесяти разбивающих последних метрах от меня; они больше отнимают, всегда дают деньги, всегда кажутся руки, доллары и лица в каком-то сопровождающем слишком веселом хороводе, всегда кажутся, беспомощно множатся в висящих задних зеркалах, чудесно дробятся, и кажется, что весь город, все человек на видящей великой земле иногда играют, тянут, неплохо играют... Причем все люди-то — вполне нормальные. Никак не богатые — персоны. Заговариваю с ближним — "шофер-дальнобойщик" Гривс, ныне наживает четыре тысячи в месяц и твердо решил как давно следует здесь немного расслабиться со своей любящей девушкой, быстро спустить идущих весьма странных пар. (Я так думаю, что он твердо решил здесь, в осветивший после свадебном Лас-вегасе, легко захватить ее открывшее сердце.) С другой стороны от меня — Кэти. Она ныне населяет в Сан-франциско, вдруг получает 3000 в месяц, но, обязательно посетив здесь однажды, она просто отнюдь не может отнюдь не сразу возвращаться. К рассердившему слишком низкому извинению, мне отнюдь не случайно встретился ни один богатый, хотя я за три стоящего часа недавно познакомился с пятью-шестью осознавшими вполне конкретными индивидами — все рабочие, служащие. Все здесь надолго расслабляются и вдруг получают сопровождающее невероятно огромное удовольствие от красоты, охватившего особого энтузиазма, атмосферы, действия игры — результат их почти отнюдь не больше интересует, хотя, бывало, они здесь и всегда выигрывали.
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Я — готов. Решил скоро начать с стоящих автоматов. Меняю десятидолларовую хрустящую посреди зеленую бумажку на лежащую внешне аккуратную стопку запечатанных довольно больших денег и иду разделяющих вдоль взлетно-посадочных полос, тщетно разыскивая симпатичную лично мне оскалившую типично жидовскую морду. Часто встречал. Постоянно тяну раз — пусто. Два — пусто. Три — грохот получивших слишком больших денег! Мчащаяся сразу целая лавина, обвал, пропасть получивших слишком больших денег в моих набившие внутренних карманах, и брюки медленно сползают с отощавшего на находящемся после дальнем Западе обтянувшего подобно огромного живота. Я отнюдь не по-прежнему считаю, я напрасно беспокоюсь своего счастья: может действительно быть, сто долларов, а может, и все двести! — шалишь,  — всегда разговариваю я направившему чисто игровому автомату,  — знаем мы эти штучки. Закон вышедших чисто английских туристов в плывущих после коротких Лас - Вегасе: обязательно победил — сразу отвали, никак не слишком жадничай. Слышно позванивая тяжеловесными свернувшими носовыми карманами и иногда чувствуя себя Рокфеллером, я часто вскарабкиваюсь за запылившую достаточно низкую стойку стоящего бара снова и с пышущей действительно единственной отрадой поручаю запрягшую новую пару разбавившего холодного пива: ведь это же почти "на предстоящую халяву"! Покрывший двойной бармен с кипящим настолько сильным гневом на меня пристально смотрит: здесь, в умирающей Америке, такое любящее неудовольствие редкость. Почему? Всегда предполагаю: такая же редкость здесь и то, что севший за открывшую буфетную стойку осветившего немного близкого бара, отнюдь не хорошо играет.
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I feel healed [14 Apr 2009|09:49pm]

amethystrse
My grandmother is dying of cancer. My father's mother. She's in a coma and will die at any moment. I went to my aunt's house to see her and say my good byes. I knew my father was going to show up later. So I went around noon. Then, when it was getting close to the time my father would be there, I decided to stay.

My father sexually abused me, starting from when I was a toddler. I have disassoiative identity disorder from it. I discovered in August of 05 what he did through severe flashbacks. I had no idea what would happen when I saw him. I haven't seen him since '02

My cousin and I went to run an errand. When we got there he and my half siblings had arrived.

He didn't come over to me or try to touch me. He seemed nervous (I told the family...except my siblings because they're teens...what he had done years ago). We said things like "hi, how are you?" and gave nervous smiles. We were very cordial towards one another.

He looked AWEFUL. He had just lost his wife 5 months ago to cancer and now he was going to watch his mother go. His older sister also died a few years ago from cancer and my grandfather died 8 years ago. All this loss has taken a huge toll on him. He looked warn and haggard.

I sat there looking at him. I was amazed. I felt nothing. I wasn't afraid, I wasn't angry, I didn't hate him. I don't love him but I also don't hate him. I felt pity.

I left a few hours ago. I feel nothing. I'm not numb. I still feel about other things. I just feel nothing about him. Just pity. And it hit me. I no longer feel pain from what he did to me. I'm not sad or angry or any other negative emotion. I feel, instead, at peace.

I feel that perhaps now I will be permanently integrated. I feel that I probably won't get the flashbacks anymore. My anxiety is lifted. I feel so healed. Whole.

I am free.

I'm x-posting this. I want to shout it loud how I feel now. I'm sorry if you get this all at once.
4 comments|post comment

I guess I can leave this community now.. [19 Mar 2008|08:50pm]

biramona
because my dad was killed this sunday.


I'm incredibly sad because we had finally had an "adult" relationship where he respected me and loved me and was not a psycho asshole and we had been able to get along for almost 2 years now. But I'm more sad because my sister had been fighting with him and going through the same bullshit that i had been through with him before and now she feels guilty that they had not been talking for three says.

I just told her that Dad was not going to remember her as she was for those past few days and she should not either. That is better that he's not tormented by his personal demons and his bipolar disorder and his sadness and his anger & that he won't be out to hurt people anymore because he's free of all of that. And that I had called him far worse things than she called him and that the reason that he was always fighting with us was because he loved us and had no idea how to deal with that. (all of which is true, albeit abridged).

I hope they are both going to be ok.
1 comment|post comment

[25 Nov 2007|01:22pm]

losk75
Hello everybody, my name is Kristie and I'm a new member of this community.

I haven't seen my father since I was eleven, since the day I was taken out of school and placed in a foster home.  He had been abusing me in every way, mostly physically, since I was ten.  He had hit me a few times before then, but most of the abuse was after he got custody of us (my sister and I) after the divorce.  He would hit me and burn me because I was "a very bad girl" and would starve me and force me to exercise because I was "too weak."

My step-father was sexually abusive to me when I was between the ages of 14 and seventeen.  Not too much physically, it was mostly comments.  I'm not too comfortable going into details about that.  There are also allegations that he molested my baby sisters after I moved out, and I believe them, knowing about what he did to me. 

Now I am 24 and I have a daughter who is three.  I have a wonderful girlfriend who is there for me whenever I need her.  But lately I've been having a hard time dealing with my past.  I'm still trying to convince myself that I didn't deserve the punishments from my father.  Some days are better than others.  I actually starve myself to punish myself and I cut occasionally.  I don't cut as much as I used to, since I had my daughter.  Sometimes she is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. 

My mother is still with my step-father, even after she lost custody of all of us for what he did, and that hurts me more than what he did.  Neither of them having seen me since I was pregnant, I refuse to let them be around my daughter.  I tell my mother that if she is strong enough to leave him she can come move in with me, and we can get stronger together, but she is too dependent on him to leave.  He is abusive to her as well. 

I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and put on zoloft when i was 18, but I didnt like relying on medication to be alright.  How else can I deal with my past? 
3 comments|post comment

UGH [19 Nov 2007|08:19pm]

amethystrse
I call my paternal grandmother out of obligation but I'm getting really sick and tired of hearing how great my father is. She's the only person in my entire family who doesn't know what he did to me (she's not in her right mind and none of us know how she would take it). The rest of his side of the family pretends like it never happened and my mother's side of the family won't let it go.

It's just such a trigger when I call her. I feel like yelling into the phone, "Shut up! He molested me! He's going to rot in Hell!" But instead I say nothing and try my hardest to ignore it.

Now I'm fuming and wanting to cry. It's my own fault for calling her but she's old and lives far away and I feel it's my duty to keep in touch.

/vent
1 comment|post comment

I'm just not sure.. [25 Oct 2007|12:42pm]
a_small_thing

Hi..   I joined this community because I didn't know where else to say all this, so if I don't belong here, just delete this, or something. I wasn't raped or anything, I guess a lot of comms out there don't care if you didn't.



So I don't actually know if I was actually abused or not.  I feel messed up inside, but since I wasn't raped or molested, I feel like my problems don't count.  Nobody ever beat me or hit me or anything, so I don't really have the right to complain, do I?   I'm scared f the sound of big trucks because of the one he drove, and I have nightmares where he's found me again.  There's a part of me that's still terrified that he'll show up at my house one day to harass me, even though I've moved far away and have a new family, away from everyone there.   I don't know how to tell my boyfriend of five years, or my best friend who lives with us, or if I even should.  

I've been away from there for seven years now, but I'm still messed up over it and lately I think about it a lot.... somebody help? 

2 comments|post comment

hello! [07 Jun 2007|10:05pm]

krystalblaze
Oh you have no idea how excited I was to find this community.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Krystal and I'm 18, living in AZ with my parents for the summer. My father... is an asshole to end all asshole. He has never touched me in any that would hurt - nay, he doesn't touch me at all, not to hug. I have never heard an "I love you" come from his lips or a "good job." Instead I hear complaints - for half of my life he would be after me about my weight. He'd make me wake up at obscene hours of the morning to go "running" or as I like to call it, "hell's walk." All the time he'd be running along side me, me and my twin, telling us to go faster and how we weren't even up to half his speed. Over and over - he always made it clear.

When I was 16/17ish I started to cut myself. I never really admitted this or rationalized it out. I never cut myself deep - on my shoulder just enough to make it bleed. I have no scars, no visible tracings of this. I've never been good with pain. I didn't notice a pattern until later, when I recgonized everytime I did it was after he had finished yelling at me, about not being thin enough, or smart enough, or how I would never amount to anything. He'd leave me in tears and I'd rather cry about a phsyical pain than an emotional pain because then something would be wrong with me. On my graduation day, he gave me a one-armed hug. And that was that. Call me weak for wanting more - but I did.

I finally saw a therapist this year who prescribed me antidepressants. I'm still on them. No one has ever made me hate myself more than he did. There are days when I wish my mother had never married him, never allowed him into my life. I hate feeling worthless, like nothing I do will ever be good enough for him.
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Self esteem/confidence needed... [07 Jun 2007|08:27pm]

tahinaz
[ mood | drained ]

I didn't realize how little self esteem and confidence I had until I started interning and looking for a job. At my internship, whenever someone compliments me or I'm forced to talk about the projects I'm working on, I immediately start laying on the self-defeating remarks. "I've ONLY written for three of the newsletters, so I'm not exactly an expert." "Yes, I guess I did an ok job, BUT I'm no good at meeting deadlines." Stuff like that. Why do I always have to follow something good up with something bad about myself? It comes out of my mouth before I even have a chance to think about what I'm saying.

Then on the job search front: I know there are so many jobs I could apply for, but whenever I go to actually submit a resume, I stop short and think, "why would they ever want me to work for them? I can't do anything. Even if I got the job, they'd quickly find out how incompetent I am and regret their decision."

I'm sure life with my dad plays a huge part in this. How many days have I woken up to him screaming at me for being a 'worthless F'ing kid'? How many years has he kept me here at home, cooking and cleaning for him (with no compliments or thanks) instead of letting me work and gain some experience? But now I'm out of school and I HAVE to work and I simply don't have the confidence for it. I FEEL like a 'worthless F'ing kid.'

I'm sure I'm not alone here.

But anyway. Enough venting. I'm posting in hopes that someone in the community would have some advice...or maybe know good book or web site I can look into. Anything that would help me move on and make some money so I can finally get out of here...

1 comment|post comment

Waiting... [30 Apr 2007|04:58pm]

tahinaz
[ mood | distressed ]

My mom and dad had a fight this morning. Something about money and about work. Dad recently got his unemployment check, compensating him for all that accursed time he was off work due to an industrial accident. It's $12,000. Now he wants to quit work again, take all that money and...who knows?

My point is, they were fighting this morning. My mom said he should go live with his sister in Oregon. And he took his keys and left for work. Now it's an hour past the time when he should be home, and I'm here waiting, secretly praying that he's gone for good.

I don't know. I mean, he's been better since he started work again. -Not quite as much yelling and angry stares. Sometimes he even tries to hold a reasonable conversation with people. But still, I only talk to him when I have to. I can't forgive him for the way he acted all those years; for what he put us all through. I can't let myself get close to him because I know what he's capable of. Who knows when one of his 'reasonable conversations' will to turn to yelling? It happens all the time, without notice. Deep down, he hates us all. He even says he wishes he'd never gotten married and had kids. I don't hate him, perse; I just wish he wouldn't come home.

Why do they stay together? Why? I've asked myself that over and over. Marriage shouldn't be like that; torture for everyone involved!

I know as soon as I finish writing this, he'll come home. He always does. And then he'll sit in his chair and glare at the wall and complain about how awful we all are. And then he'll eat the dinner I cook and start yelling objections whenever someone compliments me on it. And he'll go to bed and I'll have to tell him good night like a good girl and everything will start all over again the next day.

God, what if he really does quit? What if he's off work again? I can't even bare the thought.

Please, please- just keep me in your thoughts, everyone.

Darnnit. There he is, home again.

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Dear Group, [07 Apr 2007|10:37am]

rdlght
Please excuse the misspelling of little katelynn's link
Here is the correct spelling.  I am sorry for any inconvience. Thank you.

Sugar and spice and everything nice.

This is suppose to every little girls life.

What happens when life is not like that?

What if your life is filled with constant abuse by the people who suppose to protect you?

For little Katelynn of Indiana, her life is filled with this from a father, stepmother and father's family; everyone but her the relatives that love her have been deined the ability to see her.

What happens when the police will not stop this?

Than try Child Protection Service, but they will not stop this either.

The next thing to do is go to the court.

What would you do if the Child Protection Services and the court helped the abusers hurt her?

The media might work but they ignore majority of average people.

In this search for help, several politicians ignored or said stop bothering them.

If these people will not help little katelynn than who will?

Will this little girl have to pay the ultimate price for these adults mistakes?

Now, what will you do?!

This is Indiana's Shame and these are Teardrops for Katelynn


referral sources:

www.courageouskids.net

Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation :: Breaking the Silence: Children's Stories Aired on PBS http://www.mkacf.org/BreakTheSilence.html

Breaking the Silence
http://sev.prnewswire.com/entertainment/20051019/CLW50819102005-1.html
http://www.tatgelasseur.com/pages/bts.html

Battered Women, Abused Children, and Child Custody: A NATIONAL CRISIS
http://www.batteredmotherscustodyconference.org/ 



Petition for Justice for Katelynn:
http://www.gopetition.com/online/5918.html 




Don't let these little abused children be abused in silence anymore, please.

Tell someone!

Demand answers!

Demand the children's truth!

Above all break through this silence for theses abused childrens sake!

No adults rights is greater than the right of the child to be safe!

****Please don't forget us!****
post comment

Dreams [06 Feb 2007|12:19pm]

kittencrush
[ mood | anxious ]

I just joined this community because it seemed to fit me perfectly. I've been having some issues lately that I would really like to get off of my chest. If you have any comments, I welcome all opinions.

Bad DreamsCollapse )

1 comment|post comment

What would you do? [26 Jan 2007|12:16pm]

rdlght
Sugar and spice and everything nice.

This is suppose to every little girls life.

What happens when life is not like that?

What if your life is filled with constant abuse by the people who suppose to protect you?

For little Katelynn of Indiana, her life is filled with this from a father, stepmother and father's family; everyone but her the relatives that love her have been deined the ability to see her.

What happens when the police will not stop this?

Than try Child Protection Service, but they will not stop this either.

The next thing to do is go to the court.

What would you do if the Child Protection Services and the court helped the abusers hurt her?

The media might work but they ignore majority of average people.

In this search for help, several politicians ignored or said stop bothering them.

If these people will not help little katelynn than who will?

Will this little girl have to pay the ultimate price for these adults mistakes?

Now, what will you do?!

This is Indiana's Shame and these are Teardrops for Katelynn


referral sources:

www.courageouskids.net

Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation :: Breaking the Silence: Children's Stories Aired on PBS http://www.mkacf.org/BreakTheSilence.html

Breaking the Silence
http://sev.prnewswire.com/entertainment/20051019/CLW50819102005-1.html
http://www.tatgelasseur.com/pages/bts.html

Battered Women, Abused Children, and Child Custody: A NATIONAL CRISIS
http://www.batteredmotherscustodyconference.org/

Petition for Justice for Katelynn:
http://www.gopetition.com/../5918.html

Don't let these little abused children be abused in silence anymore, please.

Tell someone!

Demand answers!

Demand the children's truth!

Above all break through this silence for theses abused childrens sake!

No adults rights is greater than the right of the child to be safe!

****Please don't forget us!**********
post comment

[18 Nov 2006|01:00pm]

radical_x_radio
This isnt really a huge deal but it pushed me over the edge.

Last night was my homecoming dance at school. I got home at 3AM and i just wanted to sleep for hours. My dad woke me up at like, 7AM just to ask me how to open the trunk of my car. I was so pissed off. I dont even know why he was driving my car. I just wanted to sleep all morning. He's always doing that every weekend; waking me up early. It pisses me off. And i dont want him driving my car ever again.
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Healing The Wounds Of Abuse [30 Oct 2006|11:41pm]

amethystrse
One of the doctors at the hospital gave me this book called Healing The Wounds Of Abuse. It's an excellent book! It's writeen by Paul C. Liederman and Farideh H. Rezai (Dr. Rezai was my psychologist at the hospital). OMG I so recommend this book to anyone who suffered from ANY type of abuse...be it from family, peers, an ex, a current spouse or lover, etc. OMG is it good!

Excerpts from the bookCollapse )

Thinking it through techniqueCollapse )

The reason I wrote this much is because I hope that it helps anyone who reads this. It helped me oh so much! I can't tell you how much! This book, if you can get it, is awesome! I can contact Dr. Rezai and ask her for you if you can't find it (I plan on doing it anyway because I want to get my therapist a copy).

*hugs to all*
8 comments|post comment

[12 Oct 2006|03:12am]
anon_06
Hey, so i'm a new member, and I just thought i'd quickly introduce myself.

I'm 19, i've been living away from home since I was 16.

I don't have the best relationship with my Dad. He mistreated me and my two brothers for 8 years. Mostly it was physical punishments, usually just recieving the belt, but sometimes he'd burn with cigerettes, or kick or something along those lines.

When I turned 14, things turned slightly sexual. I was never raped but other things happened.

I'm really just writing this to get it off my chest.
Thanks anyways.

Nx
2 comments|post comment

[10 Sep 2006|06:32pm]

tyger66
Once I turn 15,my dad starts teaching me to drive. Someday, when he's in the passenger seat, I am going to run headon into a telephone pole as fast as I can. I don't care what happens to me, as long as he dies.

Only a month and a half until I get my chance.

I can't wait.
6 comments|post comment

[02 Sep 2006|12:08am]

miss_kasey
How do you know if you're abused?

My friend said that I am.. I never thought that way, but now I do.. it's so bad.

The hitting and everything.. I thought that was a part of normal asian life, but I guess it's not? Because last time, I had to go to the emergency room and the police sent child protection services over. I'm really confused, because it doesn't feel any different from the times before but now suddenly it's more real?

My mom's in Taiwan now, so I'm home by myself with my dad and I don't get along well with him at all. (he's usually the one that hits me.. and doesn't really feel sorry..) Today he started yelling at me in Denny's and I started crying. I kind of.. cracked? Because I didn't want to cry, but I couldn't stop. It's been so much pressure having to be careful about my actions instead of having my mom share in some of the responsibility of er.. taking the heat for stuff.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't think my mom likes me. I think she likes my dad more than me, even though he strangled her so many times and she complains to me all the time about him.. but I think she still cares about him more. I must be really mean to them.. or really bad. I'm not sure anymore, but I really do think it'd be better if I just died.. because I really am that cruel and nobody should have the depression of being with me. I'm thinking about not taking my medicine.. or maybe taking too much. Then, my parents won't have to deal with me anymore. I won't be destroying their lives.. and they can be happy?
4 comments|post comment

I just had to let it out....I guess [11 Aug 2006|08:52pm]

liquidfears99
[ mood | Mad As Fuck ]

My dad called me today. Yeah thats about it. Didnt say anything basically I just heard him breathing...Why does the old fucker call me if he doesnt have anything to say other than..."Hi Sweetheart"...Sorry dad to have to break it to you but I am NOT any form or fashion a fucking sweetheart...but thanks...

-Im Out-
LiquidFears99

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My father... [06 Aug 2006|02:23pm]

glassless
[ mood | jealous ]

He's a cheat, a liar and a coward. That about sums him up. He's kicked me out of his life and made it clear that my little half brother and sister are a little god and goddess that can do no wrong. I don't blame them, but I AM jealous and I DO hurt over it. He hasn't returned a call or letter or postcard in like two years and the visits stopped and everything. He was abusive to my older sister physically, and abusive to my older sis, bro and me emotionally for years. Really a jerk. I'm trying to make myself realize he's not worth it and just go on, but he's my father and it makes me want to cry sometimes.

I know it's not my fault. So...How come I feel like there's something wrong with me? That I must be pretty awful if he loves and cares for his youngest two kids, but wants nothing to do with me?

1 comment|post comment

Overworked, abused daughter. Advice needed! [28 Jul 2006|06:00pm]

tahinaz
[ mood | Taken advantage of ]

Here are some basic facts about me:

- I can't move out of my parents house, right now because I have no money and no one I can move in with. I'm starting work in a few weeks, but as yet I don't have a cent to my name.

-I am severly overworked around the house (dishes, laundry, errands, cooking.) I have no time to myself, and very little time to do homework. No one else (except my mother, who is at work most of the time) is willing to help me.

-No matter what or how much I do around the house, I can't seem to please my father. He's abusive. I get yelled at whatever I do. It's just a matter of how much.

-Like I said, I'm starting work in a few weeks, which means that I will have even less time to do the same amount of chores/homework.

No one else my age has to do half as much for thier family as I do, nor take a tenth of the abuse. It's not fair. I'm not sure what to do. I can't go on like this. It's going to kill me.

What should I do? Please help me!

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